Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Alone Again, Naturally

Choose "none of the above."
The blog A(n)nals of Online Dating is, like a lot of things involving online dating, both hilarious and horrifying at the same time. The blog catalogs the highly ineffective habits of the most clueless and/or offensive would-be romancers online. I’m sure there are terrible female daters out there as well, but the blog mostly focuses on the dudes, many of whom are not entirely dissimilar from the sorts of guys I write about here all the time: angry, undersocialized misogynists who desire women (or at least their vaginas) as much as they hate and fear them. Luckily for the women of the online dating world, most of these men make their odiousness so plain that it is unlikely they will ever score even a single date.

Here are a few of my recent favorites.

Bachelor Number One I’ll call the Master Debater. He sent the following missive to at least one woman online, hoping, apparently, to spark a little discussion, and perhaps a little romance: 

I love to debate. I feel that Im very good at it. I see the Feminist Movement as a CIA funded political agitation mechanism. Many men feel that the Feminist Movement is anti-male, but I feel that its anti everybody. It hurts everyone that comes into contact with it.

My question to you is, would you be able to offer a rebuttal to what I just asserted without resorting to personal attack 

Able, or willing? I think any number of potential respondents would be more than able to offer a critique without resorting to namecalling. But what would be the fun of that?

Let’s move on to Bachelor Number Two, a guy I’ll call Mr. Optimistic, a fellow who actually thinks he can cajole twentysomething women into having hot sex with him by, among other things, suggesting that women over 31 are unfuckable monsters. (Hint: With  few exceptions, women under 31 will eventually be women over 31.) In his dating profile, Mr. O explains that ladies messaging him should be: 

reasonably tall …  passionate and intelligent so as to be good company, sexually liberated, and attractive - really attractive, fat chics need not apply (hehe, I’m so self-amusing). 

Evidently they need not be sticklers for correct spelling or grammar. Mr. O goes on to explain that he wants a woman who earns her own living, but doesn’t mind him bossing her around. As he puts it, he wants someone: 

Capable of holding a steady job but without making it your #1 priority - since it could interfere with our sexual activities. …  If you can accept that I’m responsible for taking charge and my decisions will be final, don’t take yourself too seriously and thinks the world of me.

He wants a gal who is family oriented, but open to threesomes:

Family oriented but not anytime soon … open to spontaneous sexual activities (you know, outdoors sex, the odd 3-some with a cutie we pick up somewhere or one of your girlfriends), likes the outdoors (nudity optional), and doesn’t complain when I go fishing with the guys.

And she can’t be in a hurry about the whole family thing. After all, he wants a few good years of fucking before his wife hits the age of 31 – what he says is “the expiration date for most women anyway.”  She should be: 

ready to have children only after 30 and proving yourself to be a faithful wife and a loving woman, prepared for the duties of a good mother, have class and know when it’s time to speak up and when it’s NOT the time to do so, instead of a stuck-up naggy b!tch who can’t shut up, sociable, know how to please the sexual drive of your partner (little things such as giving me a call when you’ve gotten a new set of sexy lingerie to surprise me), and know that gifts are little treats and rewards, and not a never-ending desire to be pampered.
Interesting how quickly his disquisition on family values turns into kvetching about "naggy b!tch[es]" and then, just as quickly, into the tritest of sexual fantasies. In any case, he explains, while she should be willing to spend money on lingerie, she should otherwise be a thrifty sort with

good spending habits, no ridiculous credit card debts and a sense of home economy; I’m not planning on changing my excellent lifestyle, and I plant to eventually be able to give my children an excellent education - and that’s not possible without good savings and planning. This will also help teaching them to earn their own achievements, respect their parents, and not be spoiled brats.

Also, no pets:

You should also understand that pets are simple money pits that only serve as something lonely women occupy themselves with so that they don’t have to connect with their husbands.

But hey, he’s not picky:

I’m attracted to all kinds of women, redheads, brunettes, black, white, latinas, you name it, as long as they’re attractive. Not attracted to fat women, and that includes the infamous “curvy” (a word that used to mean actual curves, not fat), and “a few extra pounds,” regardless of your supposed “inner beauty.” Sorry :)

The final smiley really nails it for me. If I were a woman – and a few years younger, and not so fat, and bisexual, and into outdoor sex, and both debt- and pet-free, and willing to put my life into the hands of a guy who can’t spell the word “chick” -- I’m sure I’d be begging the guy for a date.

No mystery, these guys.
It’s hard to compete with Mr. Optimistic here, but Bachelor Number Three, the guy I’ll call No Beefcake, comes pretty close. His strategy for winning over the ladies? Ranting about how women on Plenty of Fish are a bunch of delusional fatties.  
I can honestly say the selection on here is mostly scary to me. I have no problem with single moms or girls that are other than stick thin. But for real, if you are gargantuan and just gross … please don’t waste your time with me. 

I'm no beefcake but I am healthy and I am getting tired of creepy girls wondering “where all the good men are” when its clear that they have either been eaten by those same girls, or are in hiding for fear of being mistaken for a 7-11 corndog. I am not Arnie, nor would I want to be but I do have biceps and a fairly flat stomach, if you have a massive muffin-top and can’t take care of yourself why set yourself up by hiding behind deceptive photo angles? Just because you have cleavage does not mean you have nice boobs. We’re gonna find out eventually, why lie now? Every woman’s profile says they demand “honesty”, how many actually offer it? Self delusion is not attractive, except to the worst quality guys.

Biceps, a “fairly flat stomach,” a raging hostility towards women. Is that all this fellow has to offer? Not by a long shot! Did we mention that he owns his own home?

I am a homeowner with a couple of promising careers, a well developed intellect, a decent body and a serious disdain for drama, game playing and bullshit. Therefore I do not feel the need to “capture your attention” with something artificially witty and intriguing. How about you show me that you have what it takes to hold an intelligent conversation for ten minutes, or that you actually care about your future, and could be entertaining and fun for me as well?

So, do you have what it takes to hold an interesting conversation with No Beefcake? Possible topics include: 

1) home ownership and why it is the backbone of the American Dream 
2) why so many women are fat fatties. 

The ball’s in your court, ladies.


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  1. It's hilarious how those kinds of guys are so full of themselves. They want a submissive 25 year old Victoria's Secret model with lots of money. She'll raise a brood of children for him, and then he'll dump her when she turns 40 or gains 10 pounds. Then they wonder why they can't get a date, and accuse women (young, rich models that is) of being too picky.

    I have a plus size friend, and she has heard some rude things about her weight on bad dates. I tell her that at least those guys show their true colors, and she won't waste any time on a chauvinist loser. Nobody is worth having an eating disorder over.

  2. I'm sure the guys who post stuff like this have no interest in actually dating, and just get off on describing their most embarrassing fantasies and/or insulting random women.

    Or maybe they figure that, hey, maybe there's only one hot, tall, thin, bisexual, slutty yet marriage-minded twentysomething out there who dreams of being ordered around like a puppy by an illiterate boor and is willing to quit her job if he tells her to run home and blow him... but it only takes one, right? Aim for the stars.

  3. I really want to message Bachelor number 2 and tell him that I'm open to spontaneous sexual activities like threesomes with some of his guy friends.

  4. "since it could interfere with our sexual activity." heh heh. No I take that back, make that LOL!!

  5. Shaenon: I'm hot, tall, thin, bisexual, slutty yet marriage-minded and nineteen which is /practically/ twentysomething; I don't mind getting told what to do in relationships, I like blowjobs and if someone was willing to support me so I can stay home and write novels I'd have no problems.

    'Course, I date sweetheart nerds, so these men are so far from my type that they're practically on Betelgeuse.

  6. If people have certain types they like, then that's understandable, but they shouldn't get offended when other people have standards against them. I wanted a man at least 6' tall and college educated, because that's what is attractive to me. My husband fit my type and I fit his, so we're happy.

    Misogynists want a supermodel but they don't understand why beautiful women specifically want tall, handsome, rich men. They don't think it's fair when women are superficial, but they themselves are the most superficial of all. It's hypocritical.

  7. That tops the "you are not my intellectual equal, oh and other people who see you at work think you are lacking in intelligence too" email I got once on Match.com. If he had said wit I would have gotten really offended.

    These guys are not looking for relationships-relationships require some form of compromise and they are refusing to do any of it. Until you are looking for one, why post on relationship sites? Just go on AFF and do what you want to do in the first place: have endless one night stands.

  8. Hmmm... Apparently these guys didn't read the rules for online dating.

    1. Exposition of your sterling character traits tends to flop when you fail to display any of them. So please, let everyone know how hilarious you are and then demand that we entertain you.

    2. Mentioning womens' bodies in your profile or in your first message is a great way to get ignored by most of the female population. Please tell us up front that you only care about our cup size and weight! We will then judge you based on the presumed girth of your penis. Everyone wins.

    3. Putting potential dates on the defensive is not a good way to attract anyone past the age of twelve. (Do boys still pull girls hair to try and tell the girl that they like her? That's what Master Debater reminds me of, and it's still obnoxious.)

    Actually, maybe they're geniuses after all. What better way to pre-select for women with no self-esteem than to open with casual contempt for women's agency, ideals and bodies. Brilliant! Now these guys can all get the masochist of their dreams.

  9. What better way to pre-select for women with no self-esteem than to open with casual contempt for women's agency, ideals and bodies. Brilliant! Now these guys can all get the masochist of their dreams.

    Congratulations: you have written the sales pitch for the entire PUA industry.

  10. It is certainly worth noting as well that being misogynistic, homophobic, or rapey in your profile turns off those of us who actually are often okay with certain offers of kinky sex and polite discussions of fetishes.

    In other words, yes, I might let someone lick my feet, but not an Ayn Rand fan.

    Extra hilarious-blatant and open homophobes looking for threesomes. How many bi people do you actually think are pro your obvious hatred of gay men and lesbians?

  11. Oh my god, lmfao.....this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read! How did you even find this stuff, David?? I've never seen anything like this!!

    I mean...we see it on the woman-hating blogs and such, but I never actually thought guys were openly putting these things on dating profiles and *apparently* not seeing how repulsive it makes them to pretty much all women everywhere on earth.

    This post really gave me a good laugh after a long day of work, so thanks!!

    I think I'll go call all of my ex-boyfriends now and tell them how NOT awful they are as humans!

  12. Oh but you don't you see? Wanting to "do it with two chicks" is ENTIRELY different from respecting gays and lesbians! Two chicks! Or chics! Completely compatible with believing that teh gayz are gross, and perhaps that lesbians just haven't been introduced to the right cock (his) yet.
    Further, I imagine a bright future for Mrs. Optimistic around age 32 in divorce court on adultery grounds (his defense will hinge on that she should have KNOWN that he would need to seek out a new hot young thing since she is now ancient) and a new tortured "child support is SOO UNFAAAIIR" commentator will be born.

  13. ladyraine, Annals of Online Dating is a goldmine! I found all 3 of the bachelors in just the most recent couple of weeks.

  14. Also, speaking of chicks/chics -- how and when did people start thinking "chick" was spelled "chic?" This guy isn't the only one, not by a long shot. I've seen this many times elsewhere. Don't these people know there is an entirely different word spelled "chic?" Not to mention a band?

  15. No idea but I did find list on Wiki.

  16. On chic, I just.. I just don't understand fashion... at all... I wonder if there really is a fat chic somewhere out there?

    On topic, I honestly can't wrap my head around how these guys think. It must come from an absolute lack of sympathy/empathy with the women they're trying to address. Has it even crossed their mind to put themselves in the shoes they want their woman to be in, or are they so naive about how the world works that they can just spew all this crap out and expect their dream women to start flooding in?

    Is this what's behind every MRA's claim that women only go for alpha males? "I put my self on three different dating sites, and didn't get anyone interested! All I want is a hot young sex slave, intelligent enough to talk about manly things but not enough to talk back to me! Is that too much to ask? Obviously they're all just gold-digging hussies, I think I'm gonna take my mind off of women by complaining about them day in and day out online. That'll show them!" You go, dude. :P

  17. Elizabeth: clearly the next stage for chic involves combining different kinds of chic:

    Shabby vampire chic
    Hippie Nazi chic

  18. In other words, yes, I might let someone lick my feet, but not an Ayn Rand fan.

    Oh God...I just realized that in high school I let a guy lick my feet who probably was an Ayn Rand fan. /TMI

  19. I can see that...look they even have rugs for the first one!

  20. cboye, you have my deepest sympathies.

    Elizabeth, yikes! Is there a rule 34 for handcrafted goods too?

  21. @Tenya, ah, yes, the old "dick is magic" homophobe theory. That subset of homophobes who think all dick is magic-men want it, women want it, and once you have had it, you can never want pussy again. Except those people tend to go into fits upon encountering actual bi people. Because, you see, if a bi woman (or a bi person they read as a woman) is also rather sluttly, that means they are having sex with dudes and still don't think dick is magic. In one hilarious incident, a "dick is magic" homophobe spent considerable time trying to convince me I was really a lesbian and that I had not enjoyed the sex I had with guys as much as I was claiming (read as a woman, I am very butch and I am known to be associated with queer people, so I do not really hit with the straight and faking stereotype very often).

  22. As always, life imitates Office Space:

    Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?

    Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.

    Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?

    Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money.

    Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.

    Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.

    Peter Gibbons: Good point.

  23. How about you show me that you have what it takes to hold an intelligent conversation for ten minutes, or that you actually care about your future, and could be entertaining and fun for me as well?

    Burden of proof's on you, ladies. You have ovaries, so you're immediately suspect. I have testicles, which means that I don't have to prove anything. I'm automatically awesome!

    Just go on AFF and do what you want to do in the first place: have endless one night stands.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that...

  24. "My question to you is, would you be able to offer a rebuttal to what I just asserted without resorting to personal attack? "

    And the prize if I do is a date with you? Hmmm...

    No, dickhead.

  25. There's this gem in A(n)nals of Online Dating (link here: http://annalsofonlinedating.tumblr.com/post/4749655539/and-he-wouldnt-even-ask-for-a-bj-in-return):

    "You know people have been asking for generations, “What would Jesus do?”
    I believe the answer is you."

    I am SO making that a sig somewhere. It's so bad it's good.

  26. Some part of me can't help but feel sorry for these men. It's impossible to have a romantic connection with someone without having to open up a little bit and make yourself vulnerable - and this obviously terrifies these men. If only they could learn that expressing feelings and loving someone isn't emasculating, they might not feel such a need to control their partner. And if only someone could tell them that women aren't actually inferior and so loving a woman isn't a dreaded chore.

  27. red_locker: You can use HTML: < a href = "link URL" > link text < / a > (without the spaces)

    There's also Date Wrecks, which isn't updating anymore but has some hilarious stuff in the archives.

  28. a couple of promising careers - "I change jobs frequently and have a spotty work history"

    a well developed intellect - "I looked at The Fountainhead", and pretend to read the WSJ"

    a serious disdain for drama, game playing and bullshit - "Unless it's my drama, game playing, and bullshit - that's perfectly okay"

    Therefore I do not feel the need to “capture your attention” with something artificially witty and intriguing. - "I'm a conversational clod, exceptionally boring, and will roll my eyes at you if you dare interrupt my sparkling genius to tell me about your day"

  29. I'm fat chic. O yeah, baby. Fat and lookin' good! Thank god I have a man who loves me and not some idiot who just wants my (flipping amazing) body.

    What is up with all of the hate for fatties? Seriously!

  30. What is up with all of the hate for fatties?

    Yeah, it gets tedious. I've used it as a marker for boors who totally ignore women unless they want to get in her pants. Whatever they write about what they're looking for personality-wise, they don't mean it if they add "no fatties", doubly so if they go on to describe the ways that they don't like fat women. Because if you ever see them with thin women, they don't care about the things she's saying.

    It's never wrong to have a preference. It's wrong to assume that your preference is more than just a preference. I don't think they've ever learned that.

  31. Thanks for the links and info on where to find more of this hilarity!! I cannot believe I've been missing out on comedy like this.

  32. I have been using online-dating off and on the last 2 years and have my own comparable stories! From receiving pics of certain body parts the men who verrry proud of (and i guess they thought I should be too) and full-body nudity (even after I stated very clearly in my own profile that was not what I was looking for). I'm a single mommy and looking for a nice guy. These kinds of men are pretty easy to pick out. To start with they usually don't even read my profile. obviously, it's not personality they are looking for. Very funny, and reading these things online helps me to identify the most egocentric men from the get-go...and avoid pitfalls. hey, where are the good guys? I'm waiting!


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