What Women Think of Men, Apparently

She's thinking unkind things about your penis.

Yesterday we met Christopher in Oregon, a fellow who feels that other fellows might want to avoid all contact with women, who are all, as he put it, "whores ... walking cesspools of filth ... DIRTY creatures, pure and simple."

Christopher was such an articulate spokesman for his cause that I thought I'd bring him back for an encore. Today, we learn that the hatred doesn't only flow one way. In fact, he suggests in another epic comment on Marky Mark's blog, women think as poorly of men as he thinks of women. Not just some of them, but every single one of them:

ALL women hate ALL men ALL of the time! (most of them can keep it hidden for some time.)

This is a CARDINAL RULE! If you can't accept it, you've already lost the game. You're rat-fucked! You might as well just give up and go hang yourself by getting married!

In case we forgot that women aren't too be trusted, he gives us a little refresher course in the Evil That is Woman:

You can't deal with women safely because we aren't playing by the same rules. One must keep in mind that the three primary characteristics of All women are as follows:

1) Immoral (or amoral, if you prefer)

2) Dishonest

3) Selfish

Many other adjectives would apply, but these three are the main attributes of women. Since this is true, and the laws are on their side, a man can't hope to break even in any dealings with women. It's impossible.

Now we come to the crux of his argument. More sensitive men may wish to sit down at this point, and perhaps move to protect their testicles. For what Christopher has somehow figured out about what goes on inside the dirty, filthy, selfish, dishonest, immoral, whorish minds of women while they're having sex with you will shock you to your core.

Every time you are humping and grinding and snorting like a rutting pig on top of a woman thinking you are SUCH a stud (in all fairness, you probably are NOT) she is:

1) Bored

2) Faking it

3) Disgusted

4) Glad she took her valium first

5) Fantasizing about a black man

6) Fantasizing about a new car

7) Fantasizing about the butch lesbian that drilled her last week with a ten-inch strap-on for six hours

8) Laughing inside about your pitifully small penis

9) Comparing you unfavorably to any one of her previous two-hundred partners

10) Wishing you would go even faster and trigger ... a massive coronary

11) Fantasizing about the neighbor's German Shepherd

12) Thinking about how your deodorant just ain't making it

Sorry to burst your bubble. I've heard this from women. It's all a sick joke. You are NOT Don Juan, and they don't view you as such. In her mind, you are a disgusting, smelly pig, and you are invading her body with that.....thing.

Well, if that's what he thinks women think of men, no wonder he wants to have nothing to do with them.

It's kind of sad, really.

On a not-entirely-unrelated note, if you scroll up to the top of the page on Marky Mark's blog on which this comment from Christopher is posted, you will note that Mr. Mark has worked himself into a lather over a story in The Onion. I can't quite tell if he thinks it's real -- I mean, how could he? -- but he acts as though he does. He even writes up a point-by-point rebuttal and everything. It's so cute! As he puts it, unaware of the irony, "I can't make this stuff up. ... I can't! No matter how hard I tried, I could not make this up." Well, no. That's why the folks at The Onion make it up for you.