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| They want your sperm. |
Yep. Fellas, apparently we're nothing but giant sperm repositories to the ladies. So what evidence has the Muslim Patriarch, aka Samvel Arshavir, got for his novel theory? He claims that his wife seems to treat him worst after the two of them have sex, when his "sperm reserves" are largely depleted. (Emphasis added.)
On the days immediately following an ejaculation, my wife loses all love and respect for me. She treats me like garbage. ... I used to think that I have done something wrong for her to so suddenly lose all love for me. ...
When I finally understood what was going on, when I understood that it all depended on the amount of sperm stored inside of me, I saw the humor in this love that everyone talks about. ... Her love is just a way that nature tells me I have a lot of sperm in my reserves.
Arshavir notes that he hasn't exactly done the scientific experimentation to prove his new theory. But he has made some careful observations:
My idea of 'sperm reserve' isn't related to anything that scientists say. It is something I have found with experience. If you ejaculate twice or more in one day, the next day your reserves will be around 10%. Women have two terms for this level: douche bag and loser. On day 2 your reserves will go up to 25%. Day 3 they will be at 40%. Day 4 at 50%. As your levels pass 50%, women will start respecting you and finding you attractive. At around two to three weeks of abstinence your levels will have gone to 90%. And when you get a wet dream ... you can then know that your levels reached 100%. The night before the wet dream you will be at your most irresistible-to-women phase.
As a former horny teenage boy, I respectfully must disagree with some of his calculations here: the male body seems capable of producing almost endless quantities of sperm upon demand.
But this is a question for the scientists amongst us to debate. Arshavir has bigger fish to fry. His revelations about ladies and sperm have led him to question some of the most fundamental tenets of heterosexual love.
When I have 10 days worth of sperm saved inside of me, when my wife wants to make love to me three times a day, it doesn't any longer make me feel good about myself, because I now see that it is not an accomplishment. It is not because I am an awesome guy. It is just her animal nature responding to my biology.
This knowledge has freed me from the biggest fraud of our age. The fraud that tells us men to seek happiness in a woman's love. What a joke.
Ah, but there is a complication here. Unlike sperm-loving women, Arshavir argues, men still can feel love for the ladies. True love, not just crude ovary lust. The only trouble is that those sperm-loving creatures don't really deserve our love.
Ours is the spiritual love for another being. Theirs is the love for our biology. Their love for our sperm reserves could have easily been a love for big muscles. In both cases it is a purely physical love--nothing that deserves our spiritual love.
So where can a poor fellow find true love today? Dudes.
And I now realize why men like W. S. Maugham become homosexual after delving deep into the nature of women. Once you know that romantic love doesn't make sense to women ... the next logical step is to find a man to love.
If you look for true love, you can only find it in another man.
Wait -- "another man?" Seriously? That sounds a little -- what's the word I'm looking for here? -- gay. Isn't this blog titled "Muslim Patriarch?" But don't worry. Our intrepid patriarchal blogger hasn't gone all gay on us. He is quick to add the obligatory "NO HOMO," in the parlance of our times. Love other men, but just do it in a totally non-gay way.
The idea of having sex with another man is utterly disgusting to me. The mistake of men like Maugham is that they fail to separate love from sex. ...
The correct thing to do as I see it is to save our deep, romantic and spiritual feelings of love for male friends, while maintaining sexual relationships with women. ...
Apparently, men are from Mars, women are for penis.
[A] man's romantic love is completely wasted on women. ... Had you used your love on another man, you'd have gotten a loving friend for life. With a woman, no matter how much love you spend on her, her love for you will be no more than your sperm-reserve levels. ...
A healthy culture would have taught us men to love other men, and would have taught us not to take women seriously.
This man's wife is lucky indeed.
EDIT: More on ladies and their sperm-love here.
this guy has pulled together the most surface level features of ancient greece and the 'science' that suggests that women are less depressed when men jizz inside them instead of inside condoms. not that sex without condoms doesn't feel better but, really? maybe the sex is just THAT BAD, dude.
ReplyDeleteWell, that's certainly a possibility here. The weird thing is that it seems like he came up with his, er, theory without even knowing about the women-love-sperm "science."
ReplyDelete"On the days immediately following an ejaculation, my wife loses all love and respect for me. She treats me like garbage."
ReplyDeleteBecause yet again, for the bazillion time, she's had another unsatisfactory sexual interaction. She wonders to herself, "why, why, why, did I marry this inconsiderate lousy lay of a man?" She has no answer.
"If you look for true love, you can only find it in another man."
Dude, just come out of the closet. Homosexuality is accepted now in most cultures/countries. It will be okay; honest.
Supposedly, according to (evo-psych?) junk science, jizz has magic hormonal properties to calm down the savage female emotions. I ain't buyin' it. Check out a site called marriedmansexlife; the blog host worships his man batter.
@Julie "this guy has pulled together the most surface level features of ancient greece " Not so certain about that, the Symposium at least has some debate about love with women (and, of course, ancient Athens love of men and boys was plenty sexual). There is also a brilliant Greek satire (the name of which escapes me at the moment) about the issue with two characters debating whether women or boys are superior for sex where the one advocating for women suggests that they can be "used more like boys than boys" because of the extra hole and which involves a discussion of lesbians and sex toys, you know those "cunningly contrived instruments of wantonness" in discussions about women's ability to be sexually enthusiastic. And that's just Athens, Sparta was far more pro equal status guy on guy action, some of the Athenian texts even refer to two adult men in a relationship as "the Spartan way". Early Rome seems to follow a more Spartan model, where sex with dudes is okay so long as you reproduce with someone else (though the legality of same sex marriages in ancient Rome suggests Greece may have been stricter about this) and maintain proper masculine fighting skills.
ReplyDeleteI concur with you on this point "maybe the sex is just THAT BAD, dude." Also, I know plenty of guys who have sex more than once ever ten days and have no problem getting laid (hence their ability to have sex more than once per ten day period).
seems more victorian, the true age of bromance.
ReplyDeleteO my god! He found us out! I've toiled day and night to hide my insatiable lust for sperm!
ReplyDeleteO wait. Except, I love my boyfriend dearly whether we have sex or not. (In fact, we live an ocean a way and aren't together often and I still love him more than I can say.) And my neighbors are still married even though the man got a vasectomy. Hmmm.. I see a flaw in this man's logic.
Dude, maybe your wife gets angry after sex because maybe you don't listen to her? Maybe you don't give her an orgasm? Maybe you're a bad lover?
Or maybe you're just imagining it. I think you probably are.
cat, I guess I need to start reading more ancient Greek drama. I had no idea.
ReplyDeleteI suspect the real problem is that Arshavir is a major dud in the sack.
ReplyDeleteI had sex with two dudes last night, and now I don't like either of them! This is why I'm such a slut, to fuel my hatred of mankind.
ReplyDeleteMy woman loves my sperm - all over her.
ReplyDeleteCannot get enough - even when the "well" is dry.
This post entertained the hell out of me, so I kept reading on and eventually it all got too brutal.
ReplyDeleteSo how does his "theory" account for men with vasectomies?
ReplyDeleteJust askin'... although on second thought, I'm not sure I really want to know.
@David Futrelle,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hilarious coverage of what I wrote.
Any dude can easily find proof for the part of my theory that says more sperm === more attractiveness. Simply abstain for two weeks and see how women's reaction to your presence change.
If reality proves my theory, I don't see what is there to laugh at it.
But for the part about women not being able to love men, I admit that I am not sure about this. I don't know how this exactly works. I am very aware that some daughters have intense and endearing love for their fathers. This proves wrong what I.