Poly Styrene, RIP

X-Ray Spex in action.

Poly Styrene, the legendary lead singer of the punk band X-Ray Spex, has died of cancer; she was 53. Her searing vocals, her feminist politics, and her general take-no-shit attitude helped to inspire and influence several generations of  female rockers from Kim Gordon to Kathleen Hanna to Beth Ditto. (The NYT has a nice obit.)

Her most famous song was the band's first single, "Oh Bondage, Up Yours," a wailing protest against consumerism and misogyny and other forms of modern bondage. "Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard,” she announced at the start of the song. “But I think" -- and here her quiet voice modulated into a shriek -- "oh bondage, up yours!” Here's a video of her performing the song. (NOTE: If you're having trouble with the video loading properly below, here's a link to it on YouTube.)

Alone Again, Naturally

Choose "none of the above."

The blog A(n)nals of Online Dating is, like a lot of things involving online dating, both hilarious and horrifying at the same time. The blog catalogs the highly ineffective habits of the most clueless and/or offensive would-be romancers online. I’m sure there are terrible female daters out there as well, but the blog mostly focuses on the dudes, many of whom are not entirely dissimilar from the sorts of guys I write about here all the time: angry, undersocialized misogynists who desire women (or at least their vaginas) as much as they hate and fear them. Luckily for the women of the online dating world, most of these men make their odiousness so plain that it is unlikely they will ever score even a single date.

Here are a few of my recent favorites.

Bachelor Number One I’ll call the Master Debater. He sent the following missive to at least one woman online, hoping, apparently, to spark a little discussion, and perhaps a little romance: 

I love to debate. I feel that Im very good at it. I see the Feminist Movement as a CIA funded political agitation mechanism. Many men feel that the Feminist Movement is anti-male, but I feel that its anti everybody. It hurts everyone that comes into contact with it.

My question to you is, would you be able to offer a rebuttal to what I just asserted without resorting to personal attack 

Able, or willing? I think any number of potential respondents would be more than able to offer a critique without resorting to namecalling. But what would be the fun of that?

Let’s move on to Bachelor Number Two, a guy I’ll call Mr. Optimistic, a fellow who actually thinks he can cajole twentysomething women into having hot sex with him by, among other things, suggesting that women over 31 are unfuckable monsters. (Hint: With  few exceptions, women under 31 will eventually be women over 31.) In his dating profile, Mr. O explains that ladies messaging him should be: 

reasonably tall …  passionate and intelligent so as to be good company, sexually liberated, and attractive - really attractive, fat chics need not apply (hehe, I’m so self-amusing). 

Evidently they need not be sticklers for correct spelling or grammar. Mr. O goes on to explain that he wants a woman who earns her own living, but doesn’t mind him bossing her around. As he puts it, he wants someone: 

Capable of holding a steady job but without making it your #1 priority - since it could interfere with our sexual activities. …  If you can accept that I’m responsible for taking charge and my decisions will be final, don’t take yourself too seriously and thinks the world of me.

He wants a gal who is family oriented, but open to threesomes:

Family oriented but not anytime soon … open to spontaneous sexual activities (you know, outdoors sex, the odd 3-some with a cutie we pick up somewhere or one of your girlfriends), likes the outdoors (nudity optional), and doesn’t complain when I go fishing with the guys.

And she can’t be in a hurry about the whole family thing. After all, he wants a few good years of fucking before his wife hits the age of 31 – what he says is “the expiration date for most women anyway.”  She should be: 

ready to have children only after 30 and proving yourself to be a faithful wife and a loving woman, prepared for the duties of a good mother, have class and know when it’s time to speak up and when it’s NOT the time to do so, instead of a stuck-up naggy b!tch who can’t shut up, sociable, know how to please the sexual drive of your partner (little things such as giving me a call when you’ve gotten a new set of sexy lingerie to surprise me), and know that gifts are little treats and rewards, and not a never-ending desire to be pampered.

 '

Interesting how quickly his disquisition on family values turns into kvetching about "naggy b!tch[es]" and then, just as quickly, into the tritest of sexual fantasies. In any case, he explains, while she should be willing to spend money on lingerie, she should otherwise be a thrifty sort with

good spending habits, no ridiculous credit card debts and a sense of home economy; I’m not planning on changing my excellent lifestyle, and I plant to eventually be able to give my children an excellent education - and that’s not possible without good savings and planning. This will also help teaching them to earn their own achievements, respect their parents, and not be spoiled brats.

Also, no pets:

You should also understand that pets are simple money pits that only serve as something lonely women occupy themselves with so that they don’t have to connect with their husbands.

But hey, he’s not picky:

I’m attracted to all kinds of women, redheads, brunettes, black, white, latinas, you name it, as long as they’re attractive. Not attracted to fat women, and that includes the infamous “curvy” (a word that used to mean actual curves, not fat), and “a few extra pounds,” regardless of your supposed “inner beauty.” Sorry :)

The final smiley really nails it for me. If I were a woman – and a few years younger, and not so fat, and bisexual, and into outdoor sex, and both debt- and pet-free, and willing to put my life into the hands of a guy who can’t spell the word “chick” -- I’m sure I’d be begging the guy for a date.

No mystery, these guys.

It’s hard to compete with Mr. Optimistic here, but Bachelor Number Three, the guy I’ll call No Beefcake, comes pretty close. His strategy for winning over the ladies? Ranting about how women on Plenty of Fish are a bunch of delusional fatties.  

I can honestly say the selection on here is mostly scary to me. I have no problem with single moms or girls that are other than stick thin. But for real, if you are gargantuan and just gross … please don’t waste your time with me. 

I'm no beefcake but I am healthy and I am getting tired of creepy girls wondering “where all the good men are” when its clear that they have either been eaten by those same girls, or are in hiding for fear of being mistaken for a 7-11 corndog. I am not Arnie, nor would I want to be but I do have biceps and a fairly flat stomach, if you have a massive muffin-top and can’t take care of yourself why set yourself up by hiding behind deceptive photo angles? Just because you have cleavage does not mean you have nice boobs. We’re gonna find out eventually, why lie now? Every woman’s profile says they demand “honesty”, how many actually offer it? Self delusion is not attractive, except to the worst quality guys.

Biceps, a “fairly flat stomach,” a raging hostility towards women. Is that all this fellow has to offer? Not by a long shot! Did we mention that he owns his own home?

I am a homeowner with a couple of promising careers, a well developed intellect, a decent body and a serious disdain for drama, game playing and bullshit. Therefore I do not feel the need to “capture your attention” with something artificially witty and intriguing. How about you show me that you have what it takes to hold an intelligent conversation for ten minutes, or that you actually care about your future, and could be entertaining and fun for me as well?

So, do you have what it takes to hold an interesting conversation with No Beefcake? Possible topics include: 

1) home ownership and why it is the backbone of the American Dream 

2) why so many women are fat fatties. 

The ball’s in your court, ladies.

PS: Here's the Gilbert O'Sullivan song that I stole my title from.

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OkCupid can read your mind

From OkCupid

Antifeminists regularly charge feminists like me with assuming men and women are the same. Which is a bit silly. I don’t know any feminist who assumes men and women are the same, whether the differences are due to biology (I can’t grow a baby in my belly) or culture (women are far more likely to while away their evenings reading or writing fanfic about Sam and Dean). I think the confusion amongst the antifeminists on this point stems from the fact that the specific things they think are different between men and women are often nothing more than sexist nonsense, and feminists can’t help but point this out.

No, if you want to see the ways men and women really are different, it helps to start with actual data rather than a bunch of retrograde sexist assumptions you pull out of your ass. The folks behind the OkCupid dating site have lots of data – users of the site fill out detailed profiles and answer countless questions about themselves in order to find others like them – and they know how to crunch it. Which means they can tell you with a great deal of precision what the men and women who use their site think about all sorts of things. Which is why OkCupid’s blog is so often a source of wonderment.

Take the latest post – thanks to Feministe for alerting me to it – which presents an assortment of creative charts -- like the one above, depicting some of the actual differences between men and women on the site.

Who knew that men who mention “poetry” in their profiles were more likely to be into rough sex than dudes who talk about “boating?"

And what about guys who are into both poetry and boating? There must be some. I mean, many of my favorite poems involve Nantucket, a small island reachable only by boat.

Most of the rest of the charts in the latest post don't specifically contrast men and women, but are interesting in all sorts of other ways. (You may have to change some of your assumptions about vegetarians.) If you want more on gender differences (not to mention intersting stuff on race), I'd suggest looking back through the OkCupid blog's back catalogue. Here's an interesting post on The Mathematics of Beauty. And then there's this classic, which is probably a big part of why the fortysomething women I know who've used the site have gotten so, so many messages from horny guys half their age.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I love the OkCupid blog

And so, I think, will you

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Do feminists secretly want to be Betty Draper?

Uh, shouldn't he have a desk or something?

It’s no secret that lots of women love Mad Men, and not just because Don Draper is such a handsome devil. Sure, the show focuses mostly on the swaggering Don. But it also depicts the struggles of numerous female characters as they bump up against the obstacles and issues faced by women at the time, most notably those of secretary-turned-copywriter Peggy Olson as she tries to make it in the boys club that was the advertising world of the 50s and 60s. Meanwhile, the show’s happy homemaker, Betty Draper (now Betty Francis), is about as far from happy as you can get, her life a perfect illustration of Betty Friedan’s critique of the emptiness at the heart of the lives of many middle-class stay-at-home moms of the time. 

It’s no wonder that historian Stephanie Coontz  has described Mad Men as “TV’s most feminist show,” and no wonder why the show is so popular with the feminist women in my life.(Not to mention with me.)

Just don’t tell any of this to Uncle Elmer, a regular commenter over on The Spearhead. He’s evidently never seen the show, but feels confident he knows why feminists love it so much: 

Feminists ... have a huge forbidden woodie for the “50s”. They simply cannot get enough 50s imagery and its thinly veiled implication that women should stay at home, know how to run a household, and lavishly support their man so he can go out and bring back the bacon.

I’m betting a lot of lez-couples have a secret “50s room” in their McMansion (or remodeled Brownstone) where they can act out these suppressed urges. The props must be breathtaking.

Uh, yeah. As Amanda Marcotte recently observed,“[w]hen you believe that we live in a female-dominated world where straight men are the most oppressed class, it tends to make you wrong about pretty much everything.”

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Imaginary Feminism

An Imaginary Feminist in action.

There’s a great post up on The Pervocracy inspired by, well, some of the more lovable characters who frequent the comments section on this little blog – our resident antifeminists. As  Holly notes, the feminists posting here devote much of their time (naturally enough) to arguing for feminism, while the MRA types, by contrast, tend to argue against an imaginary enemy that only bears a vague passing resemblance to actual feminism. Holly sets forth the tenets of this imaginary feminism, or IF, as she’s managed to glean them from the comments by MRA types here.

IF, she notes, is monolithic:

Anything said by anyone calling themselves a feminist can be assumed to be true of anyone else calling themselves a feminist. Some random thing Andrea Dworkin said in 1973 is tattooed on all IF's chests backward so they can read it in the mirror. All IFs simultaneously subscribe to the beliefs of Valerie Solanas, Catharine McKinnon, Betty Dodson, Phyllis Schlafly, Twisty Faster, and that person who wrote those weird articles about Firefly. 

Imaginary Feminists have no real grievances, are eager to take rights away from men, love shaming men, and are simultaneously sex-hating puritans and sex-obsessed sluts.

In other words, they are dastardly creatures indeed. If they really existed, I would oppose them too.

The post is hilarious and spot-on in its critiques. Well worth reading.

EDIT: Link fixed. 

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The Brief Reign of the Feminist Troll Queen

Who died and made you Queen of the trolls?

So the MRA who calls himself Troll King – but who is not actually a troll – recently decided he would create some lulz by trolling Reddit’s Mens Rights subreddit as a pretend feminist calling “herself” feministtrollqueen. What followed was perhaps the worst impersonation of a feminist the world has seen since, well, Sarah Palin called herself one. But the whole embarrassing spectacle is worth looking at, as it reveals a great deal, not about feminism, but about some of the strange things rattling around in the heads of some of feminism’s most ardent and addled critics.

During her brief reign, feministtrollqueen posted a series of long rambling comments filled with what “she” evidently thought was a highly witty parody of feminist-speak, but which bears about as much relationship to feminism as what’s inside Glenn Beck’s head does to reality. Here's a chunk of her first post::

WHY can't us feminsits and mens misogynists get along? ...

I LOVE men so much that I want to help you "nice guys" and I want you to become real men so that women, like me, will want to have crazy and hot and slutty sex with you. Don't be losers and creeps….

Us feminists, we don't want to hurt you...we probably want to suck your dick, 'cause we LOVE men and their dicks...Just because you have unjust privilege doesn't mean you are evil or bad...it just means you need to lose your patriarchal privilege and become feminist men....then you will be good men. Then you won't be virginal losers, once you except and deny your privilege you will get SEX and be valuable

Naturally, some of the locals assumed that this was a real feminist talking – all but one of those who commented on this post seemed to think it was real -- and set out to school her on a thing or two. One wrote a lengthy point-by-point "rebuttal," ending it with:

[S]ince you are female (presumably), don't presume to tell men what a "real man" is. …  [W]hile you claim to "love men", you're posting shows you are actually closer to a misandrist who thinks the only good man is the one beneath her feet.

Feministtrollqueen then  began posting even more obviously loopy comments. Far from being the sex-negative Dworkin-ite  stereotype of yesteryear, she seemed, if anything, rather obsessed with sex and how much she loved it:

OMG!!! You guys are such misogynists. You need to realize that I am a feminist and I know what feminism is cause I am a feminist. HOW dare you talk about such a movement in such a bad way, you are evil penis wearing misogynists! Those evil penises of yours cause RAAAAPPPEEEEE and that is all men's fault.

Those testicles of yours create woman hating, aka misogynistic, thoughts. NOW, understand that I LOOOVE men.... I just think you misogynists need to understand that you can be better, real men. Until you step up and be real men, you will always be manchildren.

Now, I love men. I really do. I have sexes with many, many men. I luvs casual sexes with men. I do it all the time. I just don't like it when you men make me feel bad by exercising your own sexual rights and opinions and call me fat. I am not fat, I AM BIG AND BEAUTIFUL!....

Warming to her subject, she continued: 

You pathetic virgins in the MRM are just bitter and lonely and can't get any pussy cause you live in yo mommas basement. How pathetic.

I read all of your posts and I still won't have nasty and sexy butts sexts with you. I am simply too sexy for you and even if you wanted it you couldn't get it. I am that much bettar than you but unlike you I actually believe in equality.

You little boys need to grow up and become real men and learn about feminism and how us women will actually help you and solve your problems for you. I am for equality! I want men to be free and feminine like me, you little boys just want to whine and moan and need to call a waahhbulance

Even at this point there were some who thought it was still possible that this was a real feminist. Presumably, even these gullible souls realized something was afoot when feministtrollqueen started going on about how much she liked “casual sexes with da manchilds!! I like their pee pees” while also claiming that men “want to rape you and kill you and eat your dead pussy.”

The brief and insignificant reign of the feministtrollqueen is in many ways instructive. 

Given the obsessive discussion of sex, and feminsittrollqueen’s endless nattering about how she doesn’t want to have sex with non-feminist non-real-men, Troll King seems to conflate “feminists” with “women who don’t want to have sex with him.” While I can’t imagine that many feminists do want to have sex with him, I can’t believe they are the only ones. (A Venn diagram of the two groups would consist of two concentric circles, with the “feminist” circle entirely within the larger group of “women who don’t want to have sex with Troll King.)

Like many MRAs and MGTOWers. Troll King seems to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about, and getting angry about, women having sex, particularly those having sex with people other than him. As we’ve seen again and again, manosphere men seem to take it personally when women fuck anyone but them. When attractive women have sex with confident, attractive men, they’re denounced as hypergamous, gold-digging and/or thug-loving sluts. But manosphere dudes’  hatred of women having sex goes well beyond sour grapes, as they also tend to be furious when women they consider unattractive have sex. If any woman out there is having sex with anyone who is not them, it is somehow a personal affront to all men who aren’t having sex at that very moment.

If that woman is also a feminist, well, their heads nearly explode. Forget the old stereotype of feminists as dour, hairy-legged, man-hating, cat-owning lesbian bluestockings. Troll King is obsessed with what seems to be the new stereotype: the sex-positive feminist as wanton slut. And he’s not the only one. Manosphere dudes regularly attack prominent feminist bloggers as “sluts” and “whores” and worse. Sometimes their minds become so addled by it all that they get the old and new stereotypes mixed up into one weird misogynist soufflé --- like the commenter on Antimisandry.com who denounced one famous feminist blogger as both a “super slut” and a “worthless, dried up, spinster whore.”

One commenter on Hooking Up Smart set forth what seems to be the general manosphere “theory” about feminist sluthood:

they want to suppress male “patriarchal” mating preferences

they want to have their cake and eat it too, i.e. want the option to be as slutty as they want but also want the respect and social status that was never given to such women

they want to neuter men because they only want the biggest alpha assholes to initiate sex, since these are the only type of men they are attracted to

 

As you may have noticed, this theory makes no fucking sense at all: feminists criticize asshole guys because they only want to have sex with the most assholish of men? Yet I’ve seen variants of this "argument" all over the mansophere. 

Troll King also seems to conflate feminists with all women who ever criticize men for any reason. His faux feminist creation continually refers to men as “manchildren,” an obvious reference to the arguments set forth recently by cultural critic Kay Hymowitz, who has denounced young men today as perpetual adolescents obsessed with video games and pop culture, while celebrating the supposedly more masculine men of yore. Trouble is, as I've pointed out before, Hymowitz isn’t a feminist at all; she’s an anti-feminist, and some of the most pointed critiques of her retrograde ideas have come from feminists. (Here’s one recent example.)

There’s really no way around it: the obsessions of the Troll King’s faux feminist identity seem to be driven mainly by masculine insecurity and sexual jealousy – and rage at women displaying autonomy or in any way challenging male prerogatives: How dare women refuse to have sex with us! How dare they call our masculinity into question! It’s no wonder his feminist parody reveals so much more about himself than it does about feminism.  

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