Monday, September 20, 2010

First they came for the Fleshlights

Q: How many Men's Rights Activists does it take to screw a Fleshlight?

A: That's not funny!

So what emotion did you feel when Christine O’Donnell's bizarre anti-masturbation video first started popping up on cable news and the intertubes? (If you haven't seen it yet, pop over here and return when you're done.) Did you feel amused, annoyed, befuddled, perhaps concerned that someone so wacky could possibly be voted into office? Did it make you horny, baby?

For the men's rights blogger behind the Pro-Male/Anti-Feminist Tech blog, there was nothing funny about the video. "They're Afraid of Men Masturbating," he wrote in a piece also published on the The Spearhead, warning fellow men to beware the dark specter of the mysterious "they" -- he never quite specifies who this is -- trying to get between men and their hands.
Watch the youtube video and take note of the end.  Except for a token guy, it’s a group of women.  O’Donnell even says about her presumably future husband masturbating, “If he already knows what pleases him, and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?”  This quote exposes the undercurrent behind anti-masturbation attitudes.  It’s not so much anti-masturbation but anti men masturbating.  People against masturbation have a fear that men might actually have an alternative to women.  ...
When it comes to a woman who ... is planning on trying to control a man through providing a minimum of sex, then she has a lot to worry about when it comes to men realizing that their hand will do more for them than a woman will. 
And how will the evil "they" control men? Not by clamping their hapless partners' junk in a stylish new CB-6000 Male Chastity Device. Not by drawing litlte moustaches on all the pictures in their porn stashes. But sneakily, insidiously, through "shaming language." Religious conservatives like O'Donnell will open up their Bibles and start talking about Onan. Others will smirk and call men losers.

"When women use vibrators they are praised for taking control of their sexuality," he complains. "When a man uses a fleshlight he is attacked for being a loser who can’t get laid." The ultimate goal? "[T]o protect the pussy cartel from competition" in the form of fleshlights, virtual reality sex, and the comforts of their own hands and a bottle of lotion.

Yes, he did just use the phrase "pussy cartel." 

So, yeah. Here's the thing. The reason the sex-positive feminists and the Samantha Jones' of the world describe female masturbation as liberating is because, for many women, masturbation is still a source of deep, deep shame, so much so that many are too skittish or uneasy to even try it. While getting reliable info about sexuality is difficult, most studies of the subject indicate that men masturbate far more than women. (No duh.) One 2007 survey found that 95% of men had masturbated at least once in their lives, while only 71% of women had. More than half of men surveyed had masturbated in the week prior to taking the survey; only 18% of women had. Heck, I jacked it twice while writing this paragraph. I'm not afraid!

And here's the other thing. When people call you a loser for shacking up with your fleshlight instead of a warm, living, flesh-and-blood woman, they're not really making fun of the masturbating.

No, they're making fun of you for being so wholly objectionable to any sane woman that you're left alone with only your hands and your sex toys. They're making fun of you for being the sort of person who uses the phrase "pussy cartel." They're making fun of you for being such a crazy misogynist creepazoid that you've actually managed to convince yourself, at least for the amount of time it takes to write a blog post, that your "hand will do more for [you] than a woman will."

Is that shaming language? I suppose it it. That blog post was, well, pretty shameful.

EDIT: Some less-than-careful readers of this piece have somehow concluded that it is anti-masturbation, or at least anti-male-masturbation. It is not. Guys, masturbate all you want. In your bedroom, in the living room, in front of your pets, wearing a hat, wearing a dress. I don't care. Masturbation is healthy, normal, and oftentimes highly entertaining. I have been known to masturbate myself. My critique was not of masturbation but of guys who actually think that Christine O’Donnell's loopy remarks, which even she is backtracking on, mean that a "pussy cartel" is trying to stop men from touching their wieners.

EDIT 2: The target of this piece offers a response that suggests, among other things, that he really can't read very well. But he assures us that he actually is getting laid, so yay for him on that.

17 comments:

  1. Now don't be jealous!
    Just because you've let them cut YOUR dick off doesn't mean we can't enjoy ours.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow that is new. Being called a misogynist for not fucking everything that looks remotely like a woman. Some people have standards. What about women who prefer their dildo over a warm, living, flesh-and-blood man? Misandrists? Or just objectionable to any sane man?

    Even more funny than the youtube-video is the fact, that self-proclaimed feminists like you have more in common with christian wackos like O'Donnell than you realise

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  3. I have a fleshlight. It's great for a man as it reduces wear and tear from cuffin his carrot. But I haven't used it since my beautiful mail-order bride arrived. I taught her how to masturbate. In fact,I've taught several gals how to masturbate. You're right, they can have some real hangups about it. But that turns out to be a benefit as you can really pile on the salty, shaming talk to get her to an orgasm. Also, a Hitachi Magic Wand is the best tool for the job, in my humble opinion.

    As for your essay, you kindof prove his point. In one paragraph you exalt women for being ashamed to masturbate, complete with useless statistics. If they are so ashamed, perhaps they're not admitting that they masturbate, SFB. Then you follow it with cliche feminist insults about creepy unattractive men who can't/won't fuck a real woman, which incidentally, are the standard replies to any man's argument about anything. You left out the small penis charge though.

    Hey but thanks for the anti-feminist blog roll.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I prefer to masturbate on a bible in front of NOW headquarters, that way I piss all of you off.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey....
    a dickless wonder's blog, right here. You're such a girl, with the nonsensical shaming language.

    But you'll probably see that as a compliment.

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  6. You don't understand. Little Ms. David here is just jealous because men will rather use a Fleshlight than give Little Ms. David's hungry poophole and mouthpussy the gift of their manly, throbbing love rockets. Awwwww. Men are such pigs. Men are so shallow they can't understand Little Ms. David needs a Real Man™. Where have all the good men gone?

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  7. "for many women, masturbation is still a source of deep, deep shame, so much so that many are too skittish or uneasy to even try it."

    God how stupid are you?

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  8. I have a flashlight, and dang, it is painful when I use it as a fleshlight.

    I wish somebody had told me there was a difference between the two years ago.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Finally, an intelligent response to my post!

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  10. Wow the comments here are nasty. The post was pretty good, though I think the fact that this O'Donnell is a right wing religious wackadoodle who is explicitly anti-feminist is worth a mention. Also she hates women masturbating too, so I don't see how she could be pointed to as having a double standard (even though her single standard is very bizarre). "When it comes to a woman who ... is planning on trying to control a man through providing a minimum of sex" except that isn't even this one really weird religious group's belief. They were agaisnt all masturbation seeing it as sinful and adulterous (yeah, their ideas, not mine). Since when did radical right wing christian celebacy groups promote female masturbation as 'liberating'?

    "People against masturbation have a fear that men might actually have an alternative to women. ... " Um, masturbation isn't the only alternative to sex with women, there's also sex with dudes. I felt the need to point that out.

    ReplyDelete
  11. And of course, sex with flashlights. Although fleshlights is not as painful to have sex with.

    Also, there are inflatable dolls, soft pillows, pinatas, telephones, guitar amplifiers, ...

    Literally, there is a whole world of stuff out there for us men to have sex with.

    Gonna try it all just once before I die.

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  12. @ cat

    Thanks for the comments. I probably should have mentioned sex with men, though I'm afraid that might have made some of my MRA readers' heads explode.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love the comments calling you a girl. Oh, let's insult the feminist by calling him a woman! But wait, he probably takes it as a compliment! Because clearly all feminist dudes are actually trans women!

    I honestly can't think of how to explain to them that they sound like morons. They're just too far gone.

    Anyway, loved the post. The only way anyone could mistake this as anti-masturbation is deliberate, willful ignorance. Poor guys can't stand to be wrong.

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  14. The first few posts here are like MRA versions of Poe's law - I honestly thought they were supposed to be satire, but now I think they're maybe serious? Gee, can't imagine why guys who think about women like that might have a hard time getting laid...

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  15. Nope, all the Poe's-law-esque posts by MRAs here are completely serious. I'm not even sure it's possible to parody them.

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  16. "I'm not even sure it's possible to parody them."

    That is itself an expression of Poe's Law.

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  17. "When women use vibrators they are praised for taking control of their sexuality," he complains.

    Vibrators are actually illegal in some states.
    Meanwhile, some dude will pitch a hissy about his first amendment rights if he can't have porn piped into his brain stem 24/7.

    MRAs who want to go back to the good old days can go back to jacking to the ladies underwear section of the Sears catalog.

    Fleshlights I don't think are so bad; they're just the inverse of vibrators. It's those creepy silicon dolls that freak me out.

    ReplyDelete

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